First of all, I need to define what “time-out” means to me as a parent so that this all makes sense.
WHO: A parent, or grown up (grandparent, nanny, etc.) gives a child a time out.
WHAT: 1 or 2 minutes of sitting separately (you can use a timer) in order for a child to “re-set”
WHEN: after one warning… “If you don’t stop ___________, you will go to time out.”
WHERE: a specific spot in your house that is separate from the group/family, but within eye and earshot. Separate, but NOT secluded.
WHY: an unhealthy or unsafe behavior choice on the part of the child
At what age do “time-outs” work? This is a popular question for parents with toddlers. It’s also a tough question to answer because every kid is different. In my opinion, it doesn’t really matter how old your child is when you start using time outs for behavior modification as long as it’s an appropriate intervention for the behavior. Giving a time out to a 2 year old for not sharing toys is not appropriate because he/she hasn’t mastered sharing (it would be okay for a 6 year old). Giving a 2 year old a time out for hitting someone is appropriate, in my opinion. My 2 year old daughter figured out that she’s higher on the totem pole than the dogs and hits them from time to time, so we give her time outs for that. Even if the child is a little too young to fully understand the cause and effect of time out, it’s good practice and it sets the tone for teaching him/her who the boss is, what the rules are, what time out is, etc.
So, my daughter hits the dog (or one of us, which happens sometimes). We don’t give her a warning anymore because we consider hitting a serious infraction and she knows not to do it. She sits in time out either willingly on her own or on one of our laps for about a minute. The time out chair is off to the side in the dining room with a red “time out” sign. We don’t engage with her. Sometimes we’ll say something like, “I hope Quinn chooses not to hit so that she doesn’t have to go back to time out” or “hands are for high fives and hugs, not hitting.” She’s listening and sitting, albeit sometimes yelling or maniacally laughing as well. After the minute, we go over and ask her why she’s in time out. She will say, “because I hit Luna,” then together we come up with a better plan for next time (i.e. hugging instead of hitting). It’s all practice.
Behavior change will not happen over night. It takes lots of repetition for toddlers to learn. The key to success with time out is to be clear and consistent. You can’t let it slide one time, and not the next…no matter where you are. Over the summer, we had a time out in the MyGym waiting area during a gymnastics class, a time out at Dairy Twist which consisted of leaving the line and sitting in the car (no ice cream), and a time out on the bench at the playground. Don’t target 5 behaviors at once; tackle one behavior with time outs first. Be clear about the rules. Give your child a chance to stop with a warning, then if the behavior continues, use time out. You don’t have to yell or get upset—time out speaks for itself. There need not be a struggle. Use a timer, then it’s not up to you when it ends, it’s up to the timer :). Talk about what happened after the fact, but don’t process it too much. Too much language is confusing to them. If you’re not ready to start time outs with your child, don’t start. It’s a commitment. Not starting is better than starting and then falling off with it.
My favorite thing about time out is that depending on the situation, it can either be a consequence or a time to take a break and re-set (or both!). For example, I know that my daughter sometimes hits on purpose and other times hits because she’s tired or has an overflow of energy. Either way, time out is effective. Time out means you need to take some space and get back to a point where you can make a good choice. Structure and limits are so healthy for you, your child, and your relationship. Rules will always be a part of life and kids need to learn that young.
