The Breakdown

Last summer, I hit some serious turbulence. It was on my daughter's first birthday. I put her to bed and sat down to write her an email (we registered an email account and have been writing to her as a keepsake for her later on). After the email, I laid in bed all night, restless. From here, I slipped into a bad cycle of anxiety and insomnia. I stopped sleeping and felt like I was in “fight or flight” response constantly. The lack of sleep fueled anxiety and it was unsustainable. Anxiety has always manifested in sleep disturbance for me, but this was another level. I became afraid of nighttime and my bedroom. I lost too much weight for my body frame because I had no appetite. I thought I was going to die. 

I did everything I could to get better; acupuncture, magnesium supplements, probiotics, yoga, meditation, medication, a new local therapist, FaceTime with my old therapist, extra workouts, help from family, consults with psychiatrists. It took well over a month to calm down and realize I wasn’t dying of “fatal familial insomnia” (don’t Google it). A combination of the above things enabled me to get some good sleep and start to think straight again. I realized that the breakdown happened because I had stopped taking care of myself during a time when I needed to most. I hadn’t processed the consecutive stresses of the previous year— a miscarriage, serious genetic scares during pregnancy with Quinn, leaving work, an unplanned C-section, husband starting a new job, selling and buying houses, and moving. I didn’t let myself feel any of that. I didn’t have time and I didn’t want the teeny tiny human growing inside me to feel it. So I buried it. And when you bury feelings, they always come back to haunt you. You might store them in your body and over time they manifest physically in disease or pain or addiction. Little feelings might turn into big feelings, rendering you depressed or anxious. You might try to give your unpleasant feelings to others in your interactions, straining relationships. This all happens unconsciously, so you have to be mindful of your behavior. Sleep, believe it or not, is a behavior! In my situation, medicine helped get my sleep back on track, which led to mindfulness. Then, I put a self care plan in place and it’s been smooth sailing since then. 

I’m grateful for the breakdown I had last summer. I learned some big lessons. I lived through things that as a therapist, I had been on the other side of for so long. I needed medication to glue me back together so that I had the space in my mind to approach the “stuff” I needed to work through. I relied more on help than I ever personally had before. Help is a positive thing for all parties involved. You can’t do life all on your own all the time. I know what it’s like to feel like you’re in a panic, not knowing what to do with yourself in the moment, wishing you had a weighted blanket for your brain. I felt the power of an anniversary of something that hit you so deeply you didn’t even realize it. Anniversaries are incredibly powerful. 

So, take care of yourself and give yourself space to have your feelings. Don’t let them get backed up. Do something that fills you up every day. Be open and honest with others about your hard times. Talk about miscarriages. Talk about relationship issues. Talk about medication. Talk about a friend who is battling addiction. Take a risk and lay it out there; you might be helping someone else by doing so and there’s so much more we can learn from one another. 

Wishing peace and love upon everyone.