Changing Seasons: Prime Time For Personal Growth

Every year at about this time in August, I find myself craving fall. I’m not even really sure why. Maybe it’s because I’m all set with the 95 degree days. Maybe it’s that fall has always represented more structure in life—the start of school, sports schedules, overall busy-ness. Maybe it’s because I love the two transition seasons, spring and fall. The smells of fall; the freshness and crispness in the air feel so good to me. The summer haze is gone from the air and the stars shine brighter at night. The foods change, the drinks change (hello pumpkin flavor!). Sweaters and boots make their way out of the closet. The crockpot gets dusted off and reclaims it’s spot on the counter top. The amount of light and dark changes. The colors are warm and cozy. Everything around us is changing and re-balancing. Change! Maybe I like the change. 

Seasonal transitions are optimal times for personal growth and change. The energy around us is shifting, so why not embody that and make some small changes in your life? The key word here is small. We get so focused on making big changes and doing big things that we forget the small and simple stuff. The small and simple stuff is what makes life. 

I started a gratitude journal recently as part of a meditation I’m doing. Every night I write a list of five things I’m grateful for. After a few nights, I found myself struggling to finish the list. WTF? I have so much to be grateful for and I was going to run out of things by the second week. I thought about it and realized that I was writing things down that were too broad—my education, my husband, the changing seasons, the fact that I live in a safe country. Too big. Too broad. I needed to reel it in and simplify, which is the whole point of a gratitude journal. It teaches you to appreciate the little things that you have forgotten are actually big things on your life. One of the examples the meditation guide gives as something to be grateful for is your THUMBS. Ridiculous? It seemed so until I remembered a project I did in college where I had to live with a handicap for a week. I chose to tape my thumbs down as my handicap. I thought it would be so easy that it’d almost be cheating. Oh was I wrong. You can hardly do anything without your thumbs! 

I’ve since taken a magnifying glass to my life and am thinking more about the small things I’m grateful for—my mom’s sense of humor, the feeling of warm sand under my feet at the beach, magnesium (more on this later), my daughter riding her tricycle by herself for the first time. These small, seemingly insignificant things are far more important than we think. 

The seasons are about to change. You can feel it. The sun is positioned differently in the sky. The nights are cooler. Pumpkin beer is lining shelves. There’s an atmosphere ripe for transitions. Take advantage of it. Let’s return to small and simple and be grateful for our thumbs! 

Non-complementary Behavior

Non-complementary behavior is responding in a calm and kind way to someone who is acting just the opposite—hostile, antagonistic, etc. It’s human nature to match or mirror someone else’s demeanor when you’re interacting with them. There are actual cells in our brains called “mirror neurons” that are responsible for this. We are hard-wired to behave this way because we learn by mimicking others when we are just small beings. Toddlers must have a lot of mirror neurons!

Most of the time, we respond to others in ways that are complementary to their behavior. We tend to match the intensity of the emotion of the person we are with. Someone gets angry with us and we react with anger and intense defensiveness, which is a recipe for escalation. Our kid gets out of control and we yell at him/her or drop the hammer with a big consequence, getting ourselves worked up in the mean time. Complementary behavior creates a feedback loop that can only be broken when you choose to respond differently, oppositely. 

One of my favorite podcasts is Invisibilia. There’s a recent episode all about non-complementary behavior and the hostesses give some great examples of it. The first example involved a situation in which a bunch of friends are on a porch having dinner and drinking fine French wine. All of a sudden an intruder creeps up, points a gun at one of their heads, and demands money. Despite their hearts pounding and every fiber in their brains screaming “FIGHT!” or “RUN!” they responded to the assailant in a calm way and invited him to sit down with them and have a glass of wine! He put his gun away, sipped wine, and talked with the group. He never went back to demanding money and before he left, he asked for a hug. It all sounds so strange, but maybe this type of behavior saved the night. 

Another example of non-complementary behavior that was illustrated on Invisibilia involves terrorism. There’s a tiny town in Denmark that has seen incredible numbers of people join the fighting and terrorism in Syria. A lot of countries, including the U.S. have seen citizens leave for Syria and the response to this hostility has been more hostility. These people are done, gone, never wanted back. They have chosen to become terrorists and their home countries will fight them. 

A couple of police officers in the small Danish town have changed their approach to these people fleeing for the fight. The officers catch wind of people about to leave and they invite them to meet for coffee and talk about why they want to go. How can their needs be better met in Denmark, rather than with ISIS? The officers started referring to these people as “Syrian volunteers” instead of future terrorists committing treason. They also contact those who have already reached Syria and tell them that they are welcome to come home at any point and will be given help finding a job, a home, accessing the social benefits that the country offers, and plenty more. 

So, how is this non-complementary behavior going for Denmark? According to NPR news, in 2012, 34 people went from this small town in Denmark to Syria. Purportedly, six were killed and 10 are still over there. Eighteen came back home and showed up for coffee with the officers. Also, hundreds of other potential radicals — about 330 in total, showed up, too. I find this so awesome and also promising for the world. Can you imagine how much sh*t those police officers must have been given for their approach in the beginning? But they did it, even though it was tough, and made some serious positive change. As I think about this fascinating example, I remember something I once read: Sometimes the people who need love the most ask for it in the most unloving of ways. 

Using non-complementary behavior inspires health and positive growth in ourselves and in others. It’s the way to go. Keep calm and be kind. However, it’s super challenging to respond in this way due to the way our brains are built. It takes a whole lot of mindfulness and practice. Start practicing! The next time someone comes at you with hostility or anger or negativity, the only thing you should be fighting is your instinct to fight.