Non-complementary behavior is responding in a calm and kind way to someone who is acting just the opposite—hostile, antagonistic, etc. It’s human nature to match or mirror someone else’s demeanor when you’re interacting with them. There are actual cells in our brains called “mirror neurons” that are responsible for this. We are hard-wired to behave this way because we learn by mimicking others when we are just small beings. Toddlers must have a lot of mirror neurons!
Most of the time, we respond to others in ways that are complementary to their behavior. We tend to match the intensity of the emotion of the person we are with. Someone gets angry with us and we react with anger and intense defensiveness, which is a recipe for escalation. Our kid gets out of control and we yell at him/her or drop the hammer with a big consequence, getting ourselves worked up in the mean time. Complementary behavior creates a feedback loop that can only be broken when you choose to respond differently, oppositely.
One of my favorite podcasts is Invisibilia. There’s a recent episode all about non-complementary behavior and the hostesses give some great examples of it. The first example involved a situation in which a bunch of friends are on a porch having dinner and drinking fine French wine. All of a sudden an intruder creeps up, points a gun at one of their heads, and demands money. Despite their hearts pounding and every fiber in their brains screaming “FIGHT!” or “RUN!” they responded to the assailant in a calm way and invited him to sit down with them and have a glass of wine! He put his gun away, sipped wine, and talked with the group. He never went back to demanding money and before he left, he asked for a hug. It all sounds so strange, but maybe this type of behavior saved the night.
Another example of non-complementary behavior that was illustrated on Invisibilia involves terrorism. There’s a tiny town in Denmark that has seen incredible numbers of people join the fighting and terrorism in Syria. A lot of countries, including the U.S. have seen citizens leave for Syria and the response to this hostility has been more hostility. These people are done, gone, never wanted back. They have chosen to become terrorists and their home countries will fight them.
A couple of police officers in the small Danish town have changed their approach to these people fleeing for the fight. The officers catch wind of people about to leave and they invite them to meet for coffee and talk about why they want to go. How can their needs be better met in Denmark, rather than with ISIS? The officers started referring to these people as “Syrian volunteers” instead of future terrorists committing treason. They also contact those who have already reached Syria and tell them that they are welcome to come home at any point and will be given help finding a job, a home, accessing the social benefits that the country offers, and plenty more.
So, how is this non-complementary behavior going for Denmark? According to NPR news, in 2012, 34 people went from this small town in Denmark to Syria. Purportedly, six were killed and 10 are still over there. Eighteen came back home and showed up for coffee with the officers. Also, hundreds of other potential radicals — about 330 in total, showed up, too. I find this so awesome and also promising for the world. Can you imagine how much sh*t those police officers must have been given for their approach in the beginning? But they did it, even though it was tough, and made some serious positive change. As I think about this fascinating example, I remember something I once read: Sometimes the people who need love the most ask for it in the most unloving of ways.
Using non-complementary behavior inspires health and positive growth in ourselves and in others. It’s the way to go. Keep calm and be kind. However, it’s super challenging to respond in this way due to the way our brains are built. It takes a whole lot of mindfulness and practice. Start practicing! The next time someone comes at you with hostility or anger or negativity, the only thing you should be fighting is your instinct to fight.
No comments:
Post a Comment