I had a request to write about grief, loss, and children. I am by no means an expert in working with grieving children and families, but I have learned some things about it through the clinical work I’ve done. Grief and loss is such a pertinent and relatable topic, as everyone will inevitably experience it.
Death is a part of life and accepting and talking about it is healthy. It’s common to feel that we need to protect loved ones, especially children, from the pain of loss by not talking about it or changing the subject when they bring up a person who has died. The opposite is true. Talking is healthy and will build understanding and resilience.
Kids really don't begin to grasp what death is until age 7-ish. In talking about death with kids younger than 7, it's best to be truthful, concrete, and simple, without going into every detail. It’s also helpful to avoid euphemisms like “Bruno went to sleep for a very long time.." A young mind that doesn’t yet understand death might think that one day, Bruno will wake up again. Try something like, “Bruno was an old dog and his body stopped working, so he died. He died and that means he won’t be here anymore.” If a child is over 7 and capable of more abstract thinking, they might need more information and have more questions. Their own "magical thinking" can also confuse the situation for them. For example, they may think they were responsible for a death due to a wish they made in the past or thoughts they had. They might need to be reassured that nothing they did caused the person to die.
A family’s answers to questions that arise concerning what death is or where people or pets go when they die is incredibly personal. Religion, spirituality, and how the family makes sense of death factor into responding to these questions. Since it’s entirely possible that a kid might bring a death up for the first time at school, it’s important for teachers and parents to speak and for school professionals to understand how to handle it if the child talks about it in school. I would even make sure close friends, nannies, daycare providers know what kind of language to use if it comes up. Kids talk to trusted adults and this can be someone other than a parent, especially if the child senses sadness in their parent. Things can easily get lost in translation if they aren't spelled out clearly.
Kids' grief comes out in many ways--play themes, uncharacteristic behaviors (i.e. withdrawal, clinginess, trouble-making), mood swings. It can come and go over time. Patience is key in order to give a kid the space to "play it out" or have their feelings. Grief is not a problem to solve. It's an ongoing life experience that kids need to be guided through. If grief seems to be coming out in harmful or unhealthy ways, tell a pediatrician or counselor at school and get some referrals for professional guidance. Joining a group for bereaved children can be a wonderful experience. There are lots of resources out there.
For a parent in a grieving family, it can be really hard to have the responsibility of taking care of grieving children while you yourself are grieving in your own way. That being said, I would say that the most important thing in helping a family to grieve healthfully is to make sure the primary caretakers are taking care of themselves and getting the support that they need. Studies have shown that one of the best predictors of how well a child will do after the loss of a loved one is how well their caretakers are able to cope with their own grief (National Alliance for Grieving Children). Before you can really take care of others, you must take care of yourself. This applies to most things in life, not just bereavement.
Being alongside a grieving child can be painful and sad. But, keep in mind that there can be “good” after a “goodbye.” There are positive things that can come from a child losing a loved one. Kids who have felt grief tend to be more compassionate and empathic toward others. They also can have a greater appreciation for life. Relationships within a bereaved family can strengthen if healing is healthy. Beautiful moments can be created within the family by sharing memories and talking about the person who has passed away. As Mitch Albom said in Tuesdays with Morrie, “Death ends a life, not a relationship.” In death, there can be strength and good.
**NOTE: There is so much on this topic and entire books have been written about it. Tackling broad topics in short form is tough and I am generalizing a lot here. Every child is different, every relationship is different, every death is different, every grieving process is different. I’d be happy to elaborate or point anyone in the direction they need.**
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