Feeling Settled

In 2005, I graduated from college. It was an exciting time and a fine accomplishment. The world was my oyster. Oh the places I would go! In reality, I came home and sat there with my liberal arts degree, unprepared for life. Unsettled.

The word “unsettled” makes me feel unsettled. Life in your twenties is unsettled. For the first time, you are responsible for creating the structure of your days, months, years. There’s no path laid out for you. You must create the path. There’s no one guiding you. You’ve got to take the helm in a small boat in a big sea. It’s exhilarating and terrifying.

There are so many questions when you come face to face with the real world. You’ll get a job, but will you ever have a career? You want to get married and “settle down” (ha!), but who will that person be and how will you find them? Where will you end up living? Will you be happy? You can envision how you want your life to look, but how do you get there?

Gradually, throughout my twenties, I began finding answers to my questions. I figured out who my life partner was. I realized what I wanted my career to be and pursued the education I needed. A picture of the future was beginning to form and I remember telling myself so many times as I struggled to bring it into focus, “You’ll feel totally settled when you’re in your thirties. The picture will become crystal clear then.”

I’m almost 33 now. I’ve been married for eight years. We bought a house in the ‘burbs. I am a therapist and a full-time mom. I’m confident that my husband and I have the skills, experience, and strength in our relationship to solve problems and handle situations that could arise. But do I feel settled? Not at all.

We want to add another member to our family. My husband just started a challenging new job. My daughter is developing so quickly that once I think I’ve figured her out, she becomes a new version of herself. My professional life is somewhat on hold and we are thinking about living somewhere else for a while. The moving pieces are increasing exponentially as we’ve added more things, ideas, and people to our mix. If anything, I feel less settled than ever.

I’ve recently come to a conclusion about the whole “feeling settled” thing. Feeling settled is never going to happen. It’s never going to happen because it’s not supposed to happen. Seriously, even when you’re still, you’re moving because the Earth is orbiting the sun at a speed of 18.5 miles per second! PER SECOND. Things are in constant motion. The one consistent thing about life is that it’s inconsistent. It’s like whack-a-mole. Once you settle one thing, another pops up. And who knows which one will pop up next?

My goal for this decade is to become a little more open to not feeling settled. To not expect that I’ll have it all figured out when I hit forty. What are we trying to figure out anyway? There’s no test at the end of life and you don’t have to write a manual for the next guy either. I’d like to focus more on the exhilarating part of not knowing what life will bring and less on the terrifying part. To embrace the possibility and good that can come with change. Life is dynamic and if it weren’t, things would get stale pretty fast. So I’ll sit and meditate on that… and still be moving at 18.5 miles per second.