Kids, Families, Grief and Loss

I had a request to write about grief, loss, and children. I am by no means an expert in working with grieving children and families, but I have learned some things about it through the clinical work I’ve done. Grief and loss is such a pertinent and relatable topic, as everyone will inevitably experience it. 

Death is a part of life and accepting and talking about it is healthy. It’s common to feel that we need to protect loved ones, especially children, from the pain of loss by not talking about it or changing the subject when they bring up a person who has died. The opposite is true. Talking is healthy and will build understanding and resilience. 

Kids really don't begin to grasp what death is until age 7-ish. In talking about death with kids younger than 7, it's best to be truthful, concrete, and simple, without going into every detail. It’s also helpful to avoid euphemisms like “Bruno went to sleep for a very long time.." A young mind that doesn’t yet understand death might think that one day, Bruno will wake up again. Try something like, “Bruno was an old dog and his body stopped working, so he died. He died and that means he won’t be here anymore.” If a child is over 7 and capable of more abstract thinking, they might need more information and have more questions. Their own "magical thinking" can also confuse the situation for them. For example, they may think they were responsible for a death due to a wish they made in the past or thoughts they had. They might need to be reassured that nothing they did caused the person to die. 

A family’s answers to questions that arise concerning what death is or where people or pets go when they die is incredibly personal. Religion, spirituality, and how the family makes sense of death factor into responding to these questions. Since it’s entirely possible that a kid might bring a death up for the first time at school, it’s important for teachers and parents to speak and for school professionals to understand how to handle it if the child talks about it in school. I would even make sure close friends, nannies, daycare providers know what kind of language to use if it comes up. Kids talk to trusted adults and this can be someone other than a parent, especially if the child senses sadness in their parent. Things can easily get lost in translation if they aren't spelled out clearly. 

Kids' grief comes out in many ways--play themes, uncharacteristic behaviors (i.e. withdrawal, clinginess, trouble-making), mood swings. It can come and go over time. Patience is key in order to give a kid the space to "play it out" or have their feelings. Grief is not a problem to solve. It's an ongoing life experience that kids need to be guided through. If grief seems to be coming out in harmful or unhealthy ways, tell a pediatrician or counselor at school and get some referrals for professional guidance. Joining a group for bereaved children can be a wonderful experience. There are lots of resources out there. 

For a parent in a grieving family, it can be really hard to have the responsibility of taking care of grieving children while you yourself are grieving in your own way. That being said, I would say that the most important thing in helping a family to grieve healthfully is to make sure the primary caretakers are taking care of themselves and getting the support that they need. Studies have shown that one of the best predictors of how well a child will do after the loss of a loved one is how well their caretakers are able to cope with their own grief (National Alliance for Grieving Children). Before you can really take care of others, you must take care of yourself. This applies to most things in life, not just bereavement. 

Being alongside a grieving child can be painful and sad. But, keep in mind that there can be “good” after a “goodbye.” There are positive things that can come from a child losing a loved one. Kids who have felt grief tend to be more compassionate and empathic toward others. They also can have a greater appreciation for life. Relationships within a bereaved family can strengthen if healing is healthy. Beautiful moments can be created within the family by sharing memories and talking about the person who has passed away. As Mitch Albom said in Tuesdays with Morrie, “Death ends a life, not a relationship.” In death, there can be strength and good. 

**NOTE: There is so much on this topic and entire books have been written about it. Tackling broad topics in short form is tough and I am generalizing a lot here. Every child is different, every relationship is different, every death is different, every grieving process is different. I’d be happy to elaborate or point anyone in the direction they need.**

Meditation

My clinical supervisor at my previous job got me interested in meditation. He has been meditating for decades and would reference it every once in a while during supervision. I asked him about it one day, expecting a long explanation of what to do. I thought maybe we’d have to talk about it later because supervision was precious time for talking about clinical stuff. He stood up, got his bench, showed me where to place my gaze and how to position my body, then said, “just sit.” Was it that simple?

Meditation really is that simple. You literally practice just “being.” Sit with yourself for a few minutes, still and in silence. Eventually, you learn to focus on breath and the practice becomes trying to not engage with your thoughts. It’s all about non-judgment. Don’t judge your thoughts. Don’t judge whether you’re doing it right. Don’t judge your judgements! No second darts. I picture myself standing on a beach looking out at dozens of little sail boats crossing the sea. Each boat has a different colored sail and one of my thoughts in it. My goal is to let the sailboats float on by, in their neat little row going wherever they go. It’s hard not to hijack those boats, though, and put them on a certain course of my own. The practice lies in letting them go…they aren’t delivering any precious cargo to anywhere special.  

It might feel as though you’re wasting time “doing nothing” during meditation. You aren’t. There are many benefits to the practice that are heavily supported by scientific research done using functional MRI (scans that show brain activity). A regular meditation practice has positive effects on focus and attention, learning and memory, anxiety and depression, pain management, immune function, etc. (a huuuuge “etcetera”). Even children benefit greatly from mindfulness training. In 2007, a middle school in San Francisco implemented daily meditation time, or “quiet time,” and it has created a 50% reduction in suspensions, a 65% reduction in truancy, and an overall increase of 0.5% in grade point average (source: www.edutopia.org). When you meditate, you are making a worthwhile investment in your health. It is the antidote to the effects of a stressed out world. 

I need to recommit to a regular practice. I’ve been inconsistent. It took my supervisor six years to get into a regular and consistent practice! A friend from high school, whom I played field hockey, gymnastics, and golf with, had a motivational expression that I will remember forever. She used to say, “Go brainless!” to her teammates when they were thinking too much about something, especially in gymnastics. It’s so perfect for talking about meditation. I need to stop thinking and talking and writing about it. I need sit and do it. I’m going to practice not engaging with my thoughts for 10 minutes everyday. Are you in? Ready. Set. Go brainless. 

**If you need a something to help you get going, download the app called “7 Days of Calm”**

Another good resource is a book called Zen Mind; Beginner’s Mind by Shunryu Suzuki

[Birth] Plans

Two years ago, July 4th, 2014, was my due date for having my daughter. There hadn't been the slightest trace of labor, but it was my due date and she was to come that day. That was nature's plan. Right? Well, come nighttime, the only things I'd had that day were two milky way ice creams and a binge watching session of Orange Is the New Black. No baby. July 4th came and went and so did my confidence in all of my planning for the birthing experience.

Planning and anticipating how something will go is human nature and necessary for life. It feels safe and sound to know, or think you know, what's going to happen later, tomorrow, next month, etc. We protect ourselves by making plans. If you're anxious about the unknowns of the future, you make a plan to control for that. But, what happens when plans do not go as expected? Chaos. Disappointment. Anxiety. Upset. The need for re-calibration, which takes energy and flexibility.

Seeing the due date come and go was a sign to me that I had to let go of any expectations for what the birth of my daughter was going to be like. There are so many different ways in which a birth can go, and who was I to assume which one of those ways mine would go? I shredded the "birth plan" I came up with months prior and planted my heiney on the couch to finish OITNB. For the next ten days.

During those ten days until July 15th when Quinn was born, I felt at ease because I had given myself permission to go through the process however it would unfold. I really hadn't ever done this before in my life for something so significant. I even slept well the night before my induction!

Letting go of the birth plan was such a positive thing for me. I ended up being induced and in the operating room for a c-section after twenty-four hours of unproductive labor. Technically, it was an "unplanned c-section," but calling it that makes it sound like I had an alternative plan, which I didn't. A c-section was within the many possibilities of how Quinn could enter the world and I was fine with it because I had no expectation. I was able to enjoy it, actually. We filmed it with a Go-Pro and have watched it a bunch of times.

I've never lived in the moment more than when I went through this time. I couldn't think about the past because what was happening was so intense, emotionally and physically. I wasn't worried about the future because there was no expectation I was forcing myself to fulfill. To top it off, this was really good practice for the future (kids really make it hard to plan a lot of things). Think you're going to make it to the beach in two hours? Think again because so-and-so is going to have to stop and pee and you're going to need to pull over and put Frozen on the DVD player so you-know-who stops wailing. And there's traffic! Four hours later...

The challenge for the week is to let go of a plan. I wouldn't suggest skipping an appointment or anything like that. That's not what I mean by "plan." I mean expectation or judgment. Maybe let go of how you think an appointment is going to go or how you think a person will respond to something, etc. You might find that although it's uncomfortable and strange, it can be a good thing to do.