Post-Election

We don’t know what kind of president Donald Trump will be. He’s never been president before. Lots of predictions are being made, but they are just that—predictions, theories, hypotheses. No one predicted he would win this election, save for a lone algorithm. And he won. We are practicing living in the moment, as that is all we have. We don’t even know what’s going to happen in the next minute or hour, nevermind what will happen when Trump takes the Oval Office.  

What we do know, and what most of us are rightfully scarred by and making future predictions based on, is what kind of words he said during his campaign. The first thing I thought when I woke up the morning after the election was, “What if I were waking up as a [fill in the blank with a member of a disenfranchised group…Muslim, disabled, gay, black, Mexican] woman today?” He didn’t just smear his opponent, which sadly would have been the norm and acceptable in our political landscape. He shot down and threatened the futures of so many groups of people who already had a way bigger mountain to climb. Even if he wasn’t serious, those words were heard ‘round the world and internalized, by our children, too. 

Many are asking, “What do we do now?” There is no choice but to move on to the next moment. Over and over again. Not knowing what will come next, because none of us do. You can move out of the U.S. (you’ll still have to pay U.S. taxes unless you renounce citizenship), you can join protests, get a gun to feel safe, whatever you want and whatever you need as long as you don’t hurt anyone. But at the end of the day, there is no choice but to hope that candidate Donald Trump said derogatory things merely to appeal to a certain demographic and thus get elected. Hopefully, that was reality star Trump, just saying ridiculous things to get good ratings. Hopefully, President Trump will be a person who represents many Americans, not just the small group of people for whom his candidacy and victory ignited a deep and dormant hatred toward certain groups. That is all we can hope. That his actions will speak much louder than his words. 

Forget Trump himself. He’s busy meeting with the Obamas and trying to figure out how to make sense of an intelligence briefing, like he should be. Right now in this moment, the acts of hate between Americans are the most upsetting part. There is a Twitter reel of peoples’ accounts of overt racism, sexism, and homophobia since the election. And the number of stories keeps increasing. THAT is deplorable. 

A lot is happening and we will see how it continues to unfold. The election was horrible and we are paying for it. Both parties failed in getting a name on the ballot that could reflect positive American qualities and values. We had no one to choose from, really, and there were so many variables that affected how people voted. Most of us voted for who we hated less, or the “lesser of the two [criminals?]”. That sucks. Our political system is broken and our political parties set up a horrible situation for us and now we’re getting angry at each other. We can’t afford that. We have to take care of ourselves and each other, regardless of who we are. If we were going to war with another planet, everyone on Earth would be fighting that planet together, defending one another. A common enemy brings people together and dissolves differences. But we cannot let that common enemy be fellow Americans who are in the minority for whatever reason. We can not. 

The "News"

Ever notice that majority of the news you read on the internet or see on TV is bad? The front page reports terrorist attacks, environmental screw-ups, and depressing economic data. Turn on the TV at night and you’re greeted with “After the commercial break, here are 10 Things In Your Fridge That Can Kill You”. You get to hear about the shooting in your city and the child who died in the freak accident. Then, you get four minutes of national bad news: the latest election idiocy, storms ravaging the coast, and updates about the current national health crisis. Finally, they show you a minute or two of international bad news—usually more terrorism or natural disasters. 

So why does every talking head on the TV and internet do nothing but shriek about all the crappy stuff going on in the world? How does turning their viewers into paranoid agoraphobics benefit them? The answer is simple--it’s the best way to keep you watching.

The point of TV and internet news is not to tell you about what’s going on in the world. It’s a product meant keep your attention so that you’ll sit through the advertisements. That’s it. It’s all about money. It keeps you focused on the screen in front of you long enough to see how effective Tide is at removing stains or how important it is that you buy a new Lexus.

Human brains are optimized to focus on bad news. At one point, it was crucial to our survival. Scanning the environment for threats was a daily part of staying alive. A rustling bush might hide a predator ready to pounce. But even though we have evolved past that situation, our brains haven’t. They are still optimized to seek out and latch onto threats. The media knows this, which is why the vast majority of news you see is negative. Bad and scary news keeps eyeballs on screens. 

Technology is now adept at tracking everything you do. There’s software that tracks your eye movements while you watch TV to see if you’re paying attention. There are companies that monitor what you do on the internet to see what kind of advertising is most effective on you. We’ve moved from companies convincing you to buy their products to actively manipulating you into buying their products. A great example is the teenager who received ads for baby formula in the mail (http://www.businessinsider.com/the-incredible-story-of-how-target-exposed-a-teen-girls-pregnancy-2012-2). That was four years ago. It's even worse today.

The bottom line here? The news is bad for you. Even if you “only have it on as background noise.” It’s a constant voice telling you how awful the world is, when in reality, the world is safer and happier than it has ever been in history. We are living longer, communicating more effectively, and able to enjoy things that no human has ever had the opportunity to enjoy before. By watching the news, you’re making your life worse and lining the pockets of the corporations trying to manipulate you into buying stuff. Turn off the TV news and stop reading news on the internet. If you need background noise while you cook dinner, Finding Nemo could work. Or the Frank Sinatra Pandora station. If you’re looking for some mental stimulation, there are some great podcasts out there. Try going “news”-free for a week. You will feel good. 

Toddler Time-Outs

First of all, I need to define what “time-out” means to me as a parent so that this all makes sense.

WHO: A parent, or grown up (grandparent, nanny, etc.) gives a child a time out.

WHAT: 1 or 2 minutes of sitting separately (you can use a timer) in order for a child to “re-set”

WHEN: after one warning… “If you don’t stop ___________, you will go to time out.”

WHERE: a specific spot in your house that is separate from the group/family, but within eye and earshot. Separate, but NOT secluded. 

WHY: an unhealthy or unsafe behavior choice on the part of the child

At what age do “time-outs” work? This is a popular question for parents with toddlers. It’s also a tough question to answer because every kid is different. In my opinion, it doesn’t really matter how old your child is when you start using time outs for behavior modification as long as it’s an appropriate intervention for the behavior. Giving a time out to a 2 year old for not sharing toys is not appropriate because he/she hasn’t mastered sharing (it would be okay for a 6 year old). Giving a 2 year old a time out for hitting someone is appropriate, in my opinion. My 2 year old daughter figured out that she’s higher on the totem pole than the dogs and hits them from time to time, so we give her time outs for that. Even if the child is a little too young to fully understand the cause and effect of time out, it’s good practice and it sets the tone for teaching him/her who the boss is, what the rules are, what time out is, etc. 

So, my daughter hits the dog (or one of us, which happens sometimes). We don’t give her a warning anymore because we consider hitting a serious infraction and she knows not to do it. She sits in time out either willingly on her own or on one of our laps for about a minute. The time out chair is off to the side in the dining room with a red “time out” sign. We don’t engage with her. Sometimes we’ll say something like, “I hope Quinn chooses not to hit so that she doesn’t have to go back to time out” or “hands are for high fives and hugs, not hitting.” She’s listening and sitting, albeit sometimes yelling or maniacally laughing as well. After the minute, we go over and ask her why she’s in time out. She will say, “because I hit Luna,” then together we come up with a better plan for next time (i.e. hugging instead of hitting). It’s all practice. 

Behavior change will not happen over night. It takes lots of repetition for toddlers to learn. The key to success with time out is to be clear and consistent. You can’t let it slide one time, and not the next…no matter where you are. Over the summer, we had a time out in the MyGym waiting area during a gymnastics class, a time out at Dairy Twist which consisted of leaving the line and sitting in the car (no ice cream), and a time out on the bench at the playground. Don’t target 5 behaviors at once; tackle one behavior with time outs first. Be clear about the rules. Give your child a chance to stop with a warning, then if the behavior continues, use time out. You don’t have to yell or get upset—time out speaks for itself. There need not be a struggle. Use a timer, then it’s not up to you when it ends, it’s up to the timer :). Talk about what happened after the fact, but don’t process it too much. Too much language is confusing to them. If you’re not ready to start time outs with your child, don’t start. It’s a commitment. Not starting is better than starting and then falling off with it. 

My favorite thing about time out is that depending on the situation, it can either be a consequence or a time to take a break and re-set (or both!). For example, I know that my daughter sometimes hits on purpose and other times hits because she’s tired or has an overflow of energy. Either way, time out is effective. Time out means you need to take some space and get back to a point where you can make a good choice. Structure and limits are so healthy for you, your child, and your relationship. Rules will always be a part of life and kids need to learn that young. 

Tea

What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear or see the word “tea?” Do you think of curling up with a good book and cup of chai? Being sick? Do you start speaking in a British accent? The Tea Party, as in the political party? “Mother’s Milk Tea” that you got so sick of when you were trying to up your milk supply? Do you remember make believe tea parties with your friends or you kids? Or those underwater tea parties in the pool? The possibilities with tea associations are endless. 

Tea is as fascinating as it is delicious. Legend says that tea was accidentally discovered some 5,000 years ago in China when Chinese Emperor Shen Nung was boiling water and tea leaves from a tree above fell into the pot. He decided to give it a taste and felt great after drinking it! Tea was initially consumed for medicinal reasons and it wasn’t until the 1600s and 1700s that it became a social thing. You know, the high afternoon tea.  

Tea played a large role in United States history. In 1773, American colonists hurled hundreds of chests of tea from British ships into Boston Harbor as an act of defiance toward the British Parliament. Tea was so popular that countries, including England, started taxing the hell out of it and the colonists refused to pay the tax on tea when they had no representation in government. This event, known as the “Boston Tea Party,” sparked the Revolutionary War! Whoa, tea. 

After the American Revolution, it was considered unpatriotic to drink tea. Coffee became the hot drink of choice. But, don’t worry, tea has made quite a comeback. The “tea bag” and “iced tea” were both invented in the United States, which is the third largest importer of tea in the world, just behind Russia and Pakistan (according to statistics from the “International Tea Committee”). The U.S. tea industry is actually booming. 

Tea has incredible health benefits, which they were on to thousands of years ago upon its discovery. It has a positive effect on body composition and helps with weight management. It’s got these things called flavonoids that act like antioxidants and neutralize free-radicals, thus fending off chronic disease. It reduces heart attack risk, LDL cholesterol, and rectal, colon, and skin cancer risk. Tea also helps prevent neurological decline and osteoporosis that comes with age. Cheers!

Despite all the greatness and rich history, I see a tea problem in this country. It’s not that people aren’t consuming tea…it’s that “ready-to-drink” tea is the most popular tea consumed in the U.S. Have we forgotten about the tea bag we invented? Tea bags go well with a teapot, a giant mug, a counter top and a stool. One of the things that first comes to my mind when I hear “tea” is memories of my mom and her friends sitting around the table having afternoon tea while the kids, myself included, played after school. Eventually, I started sitting down and having tea after school with her. Well, maybe it was hot chocolate for a couple years before I moved on to Earl Grey with a splash of milk, no sugar. But there were no phones, iPads…just tea, crumpets, and good conversation with eye contact. 

Americans do everything on-the-go now, hence the obsession with ready-made tea. Go to Europe and try to find a travel mug. Impossible. I’ve tried. Ask someone in Europe where you can find a travel mug? They can’t understand why you wouldn’t enjoy a few moments sitting down with your coffee before you hit the road. They have kids and jobs, too! Although I am grateful for the drive-thru and to-go mugs at times, can we go back to the days of sitting and enjoying a steaming mug of tea? Instead of coffee in the morning and wine at night, maybe we just try tea for a while. 

So, go buy some tea for yourself or make a tea care package for someone. It (supposedly) costs only 3 cents a serving and it’s not taxed anymore! There are millions of varieties and it comes from a renewable resource so we will never run out. Lately I’ve been loving Celestial Seasonings’ Lemon Ginger, Yogi’s Honey Lavender, and Stash’s Pumpkin Spice and Holiday Chai. Oh and here’s a little tip--if you’re using a teapot to boil water, make sure you start with fresh new water every time you boil. The tea needs as much oxygen as it can get from that water in order to be most delicious and beneficial to you. 

**Most of the tea facts in this post were found through the Tea Association of the U.S.A., Inc. (teausa.com)**

Tiny Specks of Stardust

A telescope in Russia has been picking up a strong radio signal from star HD164595 that could indicate an extraterrestrial civilization. The signal comes from 94 lightyears away and is so strong that if it were artificially created by aliens, those aliens have capabilities far beyond those of humankind. Hold up and let your mind wander with that for a minute. Whoa… 

I’m going to ruin your alien fantasy now by telling you that what the Russian telescope picked up was probably not some far away civilization. The signal was not corroborated by any other telescopes. However, the star HD164595 will now be studied closely with the hope that astronomers will figure out the cause of the signal. The star has been deemed a good candidate for the SETI program (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence). So, they aren’t ruling out extraterrestrial life; they’re just saying that it’s not super probable. There is still hope! When the stars appear tonight, go outside and yell, “Is anyoneeee out thereeeee?!?!?” 

Thinking about space, the universe, and the possibility of life in another galaxy is mind-blowing. Thinking about ourselves in the context of all this can elicit feelings of fear, fascination, insignificance, bewilderment, etc. We are such tiny specks of stardust in a massive universe. What does that say in terms of our lives? Are we meaningless? Insignificant?  

Let’s put a “glass is half full” spin on this. If we don’t mean anything, we have the freedom to create our own meaning. We weren’t given lifelong roles to fill when we were born by the Gods of the Universe. It’s liberating to feel that nothing really matters in the grand scheme of things. All of the things that constrain you don’t matter. In fact, most of these constraints are probably illusions that you've created yourself. The past and the future don’t matter; they only carry meaning because you have assigned meaning to them. It’s all about perspective. Our insignificance can be depressing or it can be freeing. Let it be freeing. And by the way, if we’re all just tiny specks of stardust, make sure to be a bright and shiny tiny speck of stardust. 

For some perspective, watch these short and fascinating videos on YouTube:

Powers of Ten: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fKBhvDjuy0

Cosmic Eye: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfSNxVqprvM

Changing Seasons: Prime Time For Personal Growth

Every year at about this time in August, I find myself craving fall. I’m not even really sure why. Maybe it’s because I’m all set with the 95 degree days. Maybe it’s that fall has always represented more structure in life—the start of school, sports schedules, overall busy-ness. Maybe it’s because I love the two transition seasons, spring and fall. The smells of fall; the freshness and crispness in the air feel so good to me. The summer haze is gone from the air and the stars shine brighter at night. The foods change, the drinks change (hello pumpkin flavor!). Sweaters and boots make their way out of the closet. The crockpot gets dusted off and reclaims it’s spot on the counter top. The amount of light and dark changes. The colors are warm and cozy. Everything around us is changing and re-balancing. Change! Maybe I like the change. 

Seasonal transitions are optimal times for personal growth and change. The energy around us is shifting, so why not embody that and make some small changes in your life? The key word here is small. We get so focused on making big changes and doing big things that we forget the small and simple stuff. The small and simple stuff is what makes life. 

I started a gratitude journal recently as part of a meditation I’m doing. Every night I write a list of five things I’m grateful for. After a few nights, I found myself struggling to finish the list. WTF? I have so much to be grateful for and I was going to run out of things by the second week. I thought about it and realized that I was writing things down that were too broad—my education, my husband, the changing seasons, the fact that I live in a safe country. Too big. Too broad. I needed to reel it in and simplify, which is the whole point of a gratitude journal. It teaches you to appreciate the little things that you have forgotten are actually big things on your life. One of the examples the meditation guide gives as something to be grateful for is your THUMBS. Ridiculous? It seemed so until I remembered a project I did in college where I had to live with a handicap for a week. I chose to tape my thumbs down as my handicap. I thought it would be so easy that it’d almost be cheating. Oh was I wrong. You can hardly do anything without your thumbs! 

I’ve since taken a magnifying glass to my life and am thinking more about the small things I’m grateful for—my mom’s sense of humor, the feeling of warm sand under my feet at the beach, magnesium (more on this later), my daughter riding her tricycle by herself for the first time. These small, seemingly insignificant things are far more important than we think. 

The seasons are about to change. You can feel it. The sun is positioned differently in the sky. The nights are cooler. Pumpkin beer is lining shelves. There’s an atmosphere ripe for transitions. Take advantage of it. Let’s return to small and simple and be grateful for our thumbs! 

Non-complementary Behavior

Non-complementary behavior is responding in a calm and kind way to someone who is acting just the opposite—hostile, antagonistic, etc. It’s human nature to match or mirror someone else’s demeanor when you’re interacting with them. There are actual cells in our brains called “mirror neurons” that are responsible for this. We are hard-wired to behave this way because we learn by mimicking others when we are just small beings. Toddlers must have a lot of mirror neurons!

Most of the time, we respond to others in ways that are complementary to their behavior. We tend to match the intensity of the emotion of the person we are with. Someone gets angry with us and we react with anger and intense defensiveness, which is a recipe for escalation. Our kid gets out of control and we yell at him/her or drop the hammer with a big consequence, getting ourselves worked up in the mean time. Complementary behavior creates a feedback loop that can only be broken when you choose to respond differently, oppositely. 

One of my favorite podcasts is Invisibilia. There’s a recent episode all about non-complementary behavior and the hostesses give some great examples of it. The first example involved a situation in which a bunch of friends are on a porch having dinner and drinking fine French wine. All of a sudden an intruder creeps up, points a gun at one of their heads, and demands money. Despite their hearts pounding and every fiber in their brains screaming “FIGHT!” or “RUN!” they responded to the assailant in a calm way and invited him to sit down with them and have a glass of wine! He put his gun away, sipped wine, and talked with the group. He never went back to demanding money and before he left, he asked for a hug. It all sounds so strange, but maybe this type of behavior saved the night. 

Another example of non-complementary behavior that was illustrated on Invisibilia involves terrorism. There’s a tiny town in Denmark that has seen incredible numbers of people join the fighting and terrorism in Syria. A lot of countries, including the U.S. have seen citizens leave for Syria and the response to this hostility has been more hostility. These people are done, gone, never wanted back. They have chosen to become terrorists and their home countries will fight them. 

A couple of police officers in the small Danish town have changed their approach to these people fleeing for the fight. The officers catch wind of people about to leave and they invite them to meet for coffee and talk about why they want to go. How can their needs be better met in Denmark, rather than with ISIS? The officers started referring to these people as “Syrian volunteers” instead of future terrorists committing treason. They also contact those who have already reached Syria and tell them that they are welcome to come home at any point and will be given help finding a job, a home, accessing the social benefits that the country offers, and plenty more. 

So, how is this non-complementary behavior going for Denmark? According to NPR news, in 2012, 34 people went from this small town in Denmark to Syria. Purportedly, six were killed and 10 are still over there. Eighteen came back home and showed up for coffee with the officers. Also, hundreds of other potential radicals — about 330 in total, showed up, too. I find this so awesome and also promising for the world. Can you imagine how much sh*t those police officers must have been given for their approach in the beginning? But they did it, even though it was tough, and made some serious positive change. As I think about this fascinating example, I remember something I once read: Sometimes the people who need love the most ask for it in the most unloving of ways. 

Using non-complementary behavior inspires health and positive growth in ourselves and in others. It’s the way to go. Keep calm and be kind. However, it’s super challenging to respond in this way due to the way our brains are built. It takes a whole lot of mindfulness and practice. Start practicing! The next time someone comes at you with hostility or anger or negativity, the only thing you should be fighting is your instinct to fight.  

Kids, Families, Grief and Loss

I had a request to write about grief, loss, and children. I am by no means an expert in working with grieving children and families, but I have learned some things about it through the clinical work I’ve done. Grief and loss is such a pertinent and relatable topic, as everyone will inevitably experience it. 

Death is a part of life and accepting and talking about it is healthy. It’s common to feel that we need to protect loved ones, especially children, from the pain of loss by not talking about it or changing the subject when they bring up a person who has died. The opposite is true. Talking is healthy and will build understanding and resilience. 

Kids really don't begin to grasp what death is until age 7-ish. In talking about death with kids younger than 7, it's best to be truthful, concrete, and simple, without going into every detail. It’s also helpful to avoid euphemisms like “Bruno went to sleep for a very long time.." A young mind that doesn’t yet understand death might think that one day, Bruno will wake up again. Try something like, “Bruno was an old dog and his body stopped working, so he died. He died and that means he won’t be here anymore.” If a child is over 7 and capable of more abstract thinking, they might need more information and have more questions. Their own "magical thinking" can also confuse the situation for them. For example, they may think they were responsible for a death due to a wish they made in the past or thoughts they had. They might need to be reassured that nothing they did caused the person to die. 

A family’s answers to questions that arise concerning what death is or where people or pets go when they die is incredibly personal. Religion, spirituality, and how the family makes sense of death factor into responding to these questions. Since it’s entirely possible that a kid might bring a death up for the first time at school, it’s important for teachers and parents to speak and for school professionals to understand how to handle it if the child talks about it in school. I would even make sure close friends, nannies, daycare providers know what kind of language to use if it comes up. Kids talk to trusted adults and this can be someone other than a parent, especially if the child senses sadness in their parent. Things can easily get lost in translation if they aren't spelled out clearly. 

Kids' grief comes out in many ways--play themes, uncharacteristic behaviors (i.e. withdrawal, clinginess, trouble-making), mood swings. It can come and go over time. Patience is key in order to give a kid the space to "play it out" or have their feelings. Grief is not a problem to solve. It's an ongoing life experience that kids need to be guided through. If grief seems to be coming out in harmful or unhealthy ways, tell a pediatrician or counselor at school and get some referrals for professional guidance. Joining a group for bereaved children can be a wonderful experience. There are lots of resources out there. 

For a parent in a grieving family, it can be really hard to have the responsibility of taking care of grieving children while you yourself are grieving in your own way. That being said, I would say that the most important thing in helping a family to grieve healthfully is to make sure the primary caretakers are taking care of themselves and getting the support that they need. Studies have shown that one of the best predictors of how well a child will do after the loss of a loved one is how well their caretakers are able to cope with their own grief (National Alliance for Grieving Children). Before you can really take care of others, you must take care of yourself. This applies to most things in life, not just bereavement. 

Being alongside a grieving child can be painful and sad. But, keep in mind that there can be “good” after a “goodbye.” There are positive things that can come from a child losing a loved one. Kids who have felt grief tend to be more compassionate and empathic toward others. They also can have a greater appreciation for life. Relationships within a bereaved family can strengthen if healing is healthy. Beautiful moments can be created within the family by sharing memories and talking about the person who has passed away. As Mitch Albom said in Tuesdays with Morrie, “Death ends a life, not a relationship.” In death, there can be strength and good. 

**NOTE: There is so much on this topic and entire books have been written about it. Tackling broad topics in short form is tough and I am generalizing a lot here. Every child is different, every relationship is different, every death is different, every grieving process is different. I’d be happy to elaborate or point anyone in the direction they need.**

Meditation

My clinical supervisor at my previous job got me interested in meditation. He has been meditating for decades and would reference it every once in a while during supervision. I asked him about it one day, expecting a long explanation of what to do. I thought maybe we’d have to talk about it later because supervision was precious time for talking about clinical stuff. He stood up, got his bench, showed me where to place my gaze and how to position my body, then said, “just sit.” Was it that simple?

Meditation really is that simple. You literally practice just “being.” Sit with yourself for a few minutes, still and in silence. Eventually, you learn to focus on breath and the practice becomes trying to not engage with your thoughts. It’s all about non-judgment. Don’t judge your thoughts. Don’t judge whether you’re doing it right. Don’t judge your judgements! No second darts. I picture myself standing on a beach looking out at dozens of little sail boats crossing the sea. Each boat has a different colored sail and one of my thoughts in it. My goal is to let the sailboats float on by, in their neat little row going wherever they go. It’s hard not to hijack those boats, though, and put them on a certain course of my own. The practice lies in letting them go…they aren’t delivering any precious cargo to anywhere special.  

It might feel as though you’re wasting time “doing nothing” during meditation. You aren’t. There are many benefits to the practice that are heavily supported by scientific research done using functional MRI (scans that show brain activity). A regular meditation practice has positive effects on focus and attention, learning and memory, anxiety and depression, pain management, immune function, etc. (a huuuuge “etcetera”). Even children benefit greatly from mindfulness training. In 2007, a middle school in San Francisco implemented daily meditation time, or “quiet time,” and it has created a 50% reduction in suspensions, a 65% reduction in truancy, and an overall increase of 0.5% in grade point average (source: www.edutopia.org). When you meditate, you are making a worthwhile investment in your health. It is the antidote to the effects of a stressed out world. 

I need to recommit to a regular practice. I’ve been inconsistent. It took my supervisor six years to get into a regular and consistent practice! A friend from high school, whom I played field hockey, gymnastics, and golf with, had a motivational expression that I will remember forever. She used to say, “Go brainless!” to her teammates when they were thinking too much about something, especially in gymnastics. It’s so perfect for talking about meditation. I need to stop thinking and talking and writing about it. I need sit and do it. I’m going to practice not engaging with my thoughts for 10 minutes everyday. Are you in? Ready. Set. Go brainless. 

**If you need a something to help you get going, download the app called “7 Days of Calm”**

Another good resource is a book called Zen Mind; Beginner’s Mind by Shunryu Suzuki

[Birth] Plans

Two years ago, July 4th, 2014, was my due date for having my daughter. There hadn't been the slightest trace of labor, but it was my due date and she was to come that day. That was nature's plan. Right? Well, come nighttime, the only things I'd had that day were two milky way ice creams and a binge watching session of Orange Is the New Black. No baby. July 4th came and went and so did my confidence in all of my planning for the birthing experience.

Planning and anticipating how something will go is human nature and necessary for life. It feels safe and sound to know, or think you know, what's going to happen later, tomorrow, next month, etc. We protect ourselves by making plans. If you're anxious about the unknowns of the future, you make a plan to control for that. But, what happens when plans do not go as expected? Chaos. Disappointment. Anxiety. Upset. The need for re-calibration, which takes energy and flexibility.

Seeing the due date come and go was a sign to me that I had to let go of any expectations for what the birth of my daughter was going to be like. There are so many different ways in which a birth can go, and who was I to assume which one of those ways mine would go? I shredded the "birth plan" I came up with months prior and planted my heiney on the couch to finish OITNB. For the next ten days.

During those ten days until July 15th when Quinn was born, I felt at ease because I had given myself permission to go through the process however it would unfold. I really hadn't ever done this before in my life for something so significant. I even slept well the night before my induction!

Letting go of the birth plan was such a positive thing for me. I ended up being induced and in the operating room for a c-section after twenty-four hours of unproductive labor. Technically, it was an "unplanned c-section," but calling it that makes it sound like I had an alternative plan, which I didn't. A c-section was within the many possibilities of how Quinn could enter the world and I was fine with it because I had no expectation. I was able to enjoy it, actually. We filmed it with a Go-Pro and have watched it a bunch of times.

I've never lived in the moment more than when I went through this time. I couldn't think about the past because what was happening was so intense, emotionally and physically. I wasn't worried about the future because there was no expectation I was forcing myself to fulfill. To top it off, this was really good practice for the future (kids really make it hard to plan a lot of things). Think you're going to make it to the beach in two hours? Think again because so-and-so is going to have to stop and pee and you're going to need to pull over and put Frozen on the DVD player so you-know-who stops wailing. And there's traffic! Four hours later...

The challenge for the week is to let go of a plan. I wouldn't suggest skipping an appointment or anything like that. That's not what I mean by "plan." I mean expectation or judgment. Maybe let go of how you think an appointment is going to go or how you think a person will respond to something, etc. You might find that although it's uncomfortable and strange, it can be a good thing to do.

Taking Up Space

Yes, that is what I'm doing here. I'm taking up space in between posts. I'm waiting on my hubby to write a post about the media as a guest blogger :) I've got some stuff in the works about guns, C-sections, and meditation. Stay tuned and in the meantime, think about the poem below and what's taking up space inside of you.

The Guest House

by Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

The Breakdown

Last summer, I hit some serious turbulence. It was on my daughter's first birthday. I put her to bed and sat down to write her an email (we registered an email account and have been writing to her as a keepsake for her later on). After the email, I laid in bed all night, restless. From here, I slipped into a bad cycle of anxiety and insomnia. I stopped sleeping and felt like I was in “fight or flight” response constantly. The lack of sleep fueled anxiety and it was unsustainable. Anxiety has always manifested in sleep disturbance for me, but this was another level. I became afraid of nighttime and my bedroom. I lost too much weight for my body frame because I had no appetite. I thought I was going to die. 

I did everything I could to get better; acupuncture, magnesium supplements, probiotics, yoga, meditation, medication, a new local therapist, FaceTime with my old therapist, extra workouts, help from family, consults with psychiatrists. It took well over a month to calm down and realize I wasn’t dying of “fatal familial insomnia” (don’t Google it). A combination of the above things enabled me to get some good sleep and start to think straight again. I realized that the breakdown happened because I had stopped taking care of myself during a time when I needed to most. I hadn’t processed the consecutive stresses of the previous year— a miscarriage, serious genetic scares during pregnancy with Quinn, leaving work, an unplanned C-section, husband starting a new job, selling and buying houses, and moving. I didn’t let myself feel any of that. I didn’t have time and I didn’t want the teeny tiny human growing inside me to feel it. So I buried it. And when you bury feelings, they always come back to haunt you. You might store them in your body and over time they manifest physically in disease or pain or addiction. Little feelings might turn into big feelings, rendering you depressed or anxious. You might try to give your unpleasant feelings to others in your interactions, straining relationships. This all happens unconsciously, so you have to be mindful of your behavior. Sleep, believe it or not, is a behavior! In my situation, medicine helped get my sleep back on track, which led to mindfulness. Then, I put a self care plan in place and it’s been smooth sailing since then. 

I’m grateful for the breakdown I had last summer. I learned some big lessons. I lived through things that as a therapist, I had been on the other side of for so long. I needed medication to glue me back together so that I had the space in my mind to approach the “stuff” I needed to work through. I relied more on help than I ever personally had before. Help is a positive thing for all parties involved. You can’t do life all on your own all the time. I know what it’s like to feel like you’re in a panic, not knowing what to do with yourself in the moment, wishing you had a weighted blanket for your brain. I felt the power of an anniversary of something that hit you so deeply you didn’t even realize it. Anniversaries are incredibly powerful. 

So, take care of yourself and give yourself space to have your feelings. Don’t let them get backed up. Do something that fills you up every day. Be open and honest with others about your hard times. Talk about miscarriages. Talk about relationship issues. Talk about medication. Talk about a friend who is battling addiction. Take a risk and lay it out there; you might be helping someone else by doing so and there’s so much more we can learn from one another. 

Wishing peace and love upon everyone. 

"I love my son, but..."

One of my friends is at her wits end with her son. He’s about 15 months old and has been getting super upset if he’s not stuck on her like stink on poop. It’s been going on for almost 2 weeks. She gets home from work, her time is precious, and lately her choice has been to either hold her son or listen to him scream and cry until bedtime. She can’t do anything—when she makes dinner he screams and claws at her feet. Even playing with him doesn’t suffice…he needs to be held to feel content. The clinginess is affecting the whole family. Big sister is feeling it—her evening routine and special time with mom has been disrupted. Family dinners, which they value and work hard to make happen, are being strained by this behavior. A few nights ago my friend just handed the little guy to her husband and went and sat down in the basement just to escape the crying for twenty minutes. For the record, he’s not sick. She thought that at first, but it’s since been ruled out. Kind of a bummer—an ear infection would have been such a fast and easy fix.

My friend and I were recently on our way into the city for a girls’ night out. One of the first things she said as she stepped foot in my car was, “I love my son, but I really don’t like him right now.” We then talked about the clinginess and tossed around ideas for how to bring things on the home front back to homeostasis (if there is such a thing, right?!). We were with a third friend and the three of us had all worked together at a therapeutic day school with intensely behavioral and emotional little kids. Behavior shaping and limit-setting was the bread and butter of our work, so we really thought hard about how to squash the clinginess and screaming. I think the concept of the Oedipus Complex even came up! We thought and talked and by the end of the ride, the conclusion we came to was that her son’s behavior may “just be a phase” of development. 

Sometimes, things really are “just a phase” and your kid has to “grow out of it,” as simple and excuse-like as it may sound. Sometimes you’ve got to ride it out because there’s no apparent rhyme or reason and you could drive yourself mad trying to figure it out when in reality, you never will. Some phases don’t make any damn sense—your kid stops eating vegetables for 2 months, all of a sudden someone’s afraid of the car, and remember those weird times you yourself went through in junior high school? No sense! While we know you love your kid, you might not like your kid very much while you’re going through one of these times. You’re not excited to be with him/her through it. It’s normal to feel like this, so save your mom guilt for another time. My friend might just to have to weather the storm with her son and do what she feels is best for the family in the moment (to hold, or not to hold). And take twenty minutes a few more times in the basement to maintain sanity. A professor I had in grad school used to call this “sitting in the suck.” When things suck and there’s nothing you can do to solve the suck, you have to sit in the suck till it’s over. But, like all things…this, too, shall pass. 

Second Darts

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” —Viktor Frankl

I’m currently reading Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. Frankl survived life in a concentration camp during World War II and in the book, he describes the psychological impacts of life in the camp. It’s considered a “quick read” based on the number of words and pages, but I’ve been reading it for months on end because the words on those pages are difficult to read. The message of the book, however, is uplifting— Frankl emphasizes the everlasting power of a human being to choose how he/she will respond to something, even under the harshest of circumstances. Amidst the horrid deprivation of everything a human being needs to healthfully thrive, the one thing the Nazis couldn’t take away from the prisoners was this choice.

While we are here on this Earth, life happens to us. Pain, both physical and emotional, is an inevitable part of this process. Suffering, however, is something you can choose. Something painful happens and hits you like a sharp dart. Someone ends a relationship with you. It hurts and you’re sad. You lock yourself in for one night with The Notebook and a pint of “Half-baked.” Totally fine, but, the next morning you start spinning with thoughts of self-doubt, catastrophizing the future. These thoughts are second darts. Your kid gets bowled over by someone on a swing on the playground. Ouch. But while you’re wiping your baby’s tears away, you’re beating yourself up for being a terrible parent. You’re shooting yourself with a second dart. Stop it.

Holding grudges, dwelling on the past, feeling guilty after you fixed a mistake, having a big reaction to a small problem, worrying about something you have no control over…these are all examples of second darts. You get hit by life, and then you hit yourself while you’re down. Would you do this to someone else? You wouldn’t—you would say helpful things to heal them from the wounds of the first dart. So, why would we do it to ourselves? Second darts are completely unnecessary. They make a tough situation much worse. The funny thing is, we have the power to prevent second darts and yet there are way more second darts being thrown in this world than first darts.

So, what can we do to fix this? Don’t be a dart thrower. I know, it's easier said than done. Take a few breaths before responding or reacting to incoming pain. Let the brain’s emotional limbic system chill out a bit, giving the logical prefrontal cortex time to gear up. When you stub your toe, there’s always a split second between the stubbing and the onset of the pain (the time it takes for the brain to register the pain when you think “Oh Sh******t, this is gonna kill). Mentally create this time for emotional pain.

Next, use your relationships to lift you up. Being with and talking with someone else can shift your perspective and widen the lens through which you are viewing the hurt from the first dart. Get some help with healing those initial wounds. This is an empowering experience for you and the friend. Tell them you need support—they will be happy to help you from hurting yourself with the second dart.

Shift your perspective, literally. Get outside. Look at things from far away. Reminding yourself that there is a world beyond your scope is enlightening. Seriously, physically move and change your vantage point. Look at something else--birds flying through the sky, waves breaking shore, green grass, a city scape, your neighbor’s house instead of your own. Wayne Dyer says, “when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.”

Finally, accept that pain is going to happen. Don’t judge what kind of pain it is, just acknowledge its presence. There it is. This is pain, which is part of life. It has come and gone before and it’s coming and is going to go again. Do what you can to fix it and carry on. Throw your darts away—not at yourself or anyone else. Viktor Frankl had every possible first dart thrown at him. He was deprived of even the most basic human needs, yet he managed to prevent unnecessary suffering by second darting himself.

I want to invite you to practice this stuff with me. Throwing second darts is by far my biggest personal challenge and it always has been. I worry…about things past and coming. I have since I was little. But, getting anxious about being anxious is throwing a second dart.

As Buddha said, “pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.”

**For more information on “second darts,” you can refer to the book Buddha’s Brain by Rick Hanson. The book explores neuroscience in the context of Buddha’s teachings. It uses spirituality to explain how the brain works.**

Feeling Settled

In 2005, I graduated from college. It was an exciting time and a fine accomplishment. The world was my oyster. Oh the places I would go! In reality, I came home and sat there with my liberal arts degree, unprepared for life. Unsettled.

The word “unsettled” makes me feel unsettled. Life in your twenties is unsettled. For the first time, you are responsible for creating the structure of your days, months, years. There’s no path laid out for you. You must create the path. There’s no one guiding you. You’ve got to take the helm in a small boat in a big sea. It’s exhilarating and terrifying.

There are so many questions when you come face to face with the real world. You’ll get a job, but will you ever have a career? You want to get married and “settle down” (ha!), but who will that person be and how will you find them? Where will you end up living? Will you be happy? You can envision how you want your life to look, but how do you get there?

Gradually, throughout my twenties, I began finding answers to my questions. I figured out who my life partner was. I realized what I wanted my career to be and pursued the education I needed. A picture of the future was beginning to form and I remember telling myself so many times as I struggled to bring it into focus, “You’ll feel totally settled when you’re in your thirties. The picture will become crystal clear then.”

I’m almost 33 now. I’ve been married for eight years. We bought a house in the ‘burbs. I am a therapist and a full-time mom. I’m confident that my husband and I have the skills, experience, and strength in our relationship to solve problems and handle situations that could arise. But do I feel settled? Not at all.

We want to add another member to our family. My husband just started a challenging new job. My daughter is developing so quickly that once I think I’ve figured her out, she becomes a new version of herself. My professional life is somewhat on hold and we are thinking about living somewhere else for a while. The moving pieces are increasing exponentially as we’ve added more things, ideas, and people to our mix. If anything, I feel less settled than ever.

I’ve recently come to a conclusion about the whole “feeling settled” thing. Feeling settled is never going to happen. It’s never going to happen because it’s not supposed to happen. Seriously, even when you’re still, you’re moving because the Earth is orbiting the sun at a speed of 18.5 miles per second! PER SECOND. Things are in constant motion. The one consistent thing about life is that it’s inconsistent. It’s like whack-a-mole. Once you settle one thing, another pops up. And who knows which one will pop up next?

My goal for this decade is to become a little more open to not feeling settled. To not expect that I’ll have it all figured out when I hit forty. What are we trying to figure out anyway? There’s no test at the end of life and you don’t have to write a manual for the next guy either. I’d like to focus more on the exhilarating part of not knowing what life will bring and less on the terrifying part. To embrace the possibility and good that can come with change. Life is dynamic and if it weren’t, things would get stale pretty fast. So I’ll sit and meditate on that… and still be moving at 18.5 miles per second.

Play Is the New Orange Is the New Black

I often wish I could be in my daughter’s mind for a little while just to see what the heck is going on in there. What does it feel like to make sense of the world with a toddler brain? Watching kids at play can provide a window into their little worlds. 

A lot of things are happening during play. Kids express feelings through play that they can’t express using language or words yet. Play offers a chance to learn how the body works and to practice social interactions and decision making (hmm…to put the plastic piece of pizza in the dollhouse bathroom or the dog food bowl?). Play is a way to process small and big life events. Play encourages emotion regulation (for example, staying calm in the midst of frustration) and the integration of all that’s coming in through the five senses. That little mind is working even when that little tongue licks the wheel of the dump truck that’s been driven around the waiting room! It all seems so simple (and sometimes gross) to us, but there really is so much going on. 

Play evolves quickly. All of a sudden after what felt like, and probably was, months of just moving things around, your child starts bringing his/her imagination to the toys. My daughter is putting her necklace inside her birdhouse, which she’s been doing for months. But this time the birds are saying, “Come on in, necklace!” The birds are accepting the necklace into their family. She’s making her own sense out of things that don’t make sense to her yet and it’s the most delightful thing to watch. 

Giving your child space to play, or “be,” on his/her own is critical. This is a skill that will be helpful later in life; you’ve got to learn how to be by yourself, entertain yourself, trust yourself, etc. So, I hereby give you permission to sit back with your coffee (wine!?) and watch your child play. But really, watch them--no checking your email or playing candy crush.  

Solo play is a key part of development, but parents can also use play as a tool. A trip to the doctor’s office or hospital is unsettling for a little one. Maybe after a checkup (and a tissue and a few deep breaths yourself), you break out a doctor kit and a doll or stuffed animal. It’s an opportunity to “play out” what they experienced and how it made them feel. Give them a space in which to process this. Maybe it will be less scary next time. 

Play can also be used to prepare a child for a change or new situation. Flying for the first time? Play it out with a toy plane and some figurines. Thinking about starting the potty training thing? Have Elmo or Doc McStuffins do a poop on the potty first. Model it. Reward Elmo with some M&Ms after. Talk through the steps. Like Mr. Rogers once said, “play is a chance for kids to practice what they are learning.” I’ve seen a quote before about there being no dress rehearsal for life, but this only applies to adults. We adults have had all our dress rehearsals! For kids, play, as long as it’s not dangerous, really is a dress rehearsal for life and that’s how they use it and need it. When in doubt, play it out! And watch. Watch them play! 

“You’re either IN or you’re OUT”

Relationships are hard work. They are high maintenance. Like a garden needs water and sun, relationships need communication, sex, empathy, etc. When you’re newly together and deeply in love, it seems there’s a constant release of oxytocin in your brain. Even thinking about the other person gives you a rush. You’re so high on love that you can get through anything. Eventually, you figure each other out for the most part. He’s heard you fart. You’ve tried all each other’s favorites. As time goes on, you need environmental changes to challenge your relationship and bring you close (traveling, having children, etc.). You might go through times where you rely on other things and people to get you through your relationship. A total 180 from how it all started. This is normal. This is okay. Things ebb and flow. In fact, things are probably going to suck sometimes. No one ever promised you a rose garden. You’re going to have to find your way through the weeds. Blindfolded. With monkeys on your back. 

There have been a few times in my life when someone has said something to me that I will never, ever forget for as long as I live. And if I do forget, I have them written down. One of these times was the Friday before April school vacation a few years ago. A bunch of my beloved Community Therapeutic Day School friends and I were out celebrating a well deserved break from work with a couple (pitchers!) of margaritas. We were talking about relationships, like ya do, especially a bunch of therapists. A few of us were fairly recently married (no kids yet) and one of us, though she looks 25, was in her 40s and had been married for many years with two kids in their late teens. She’s an incredible, self-aware, all-around wonderful person. A life mentor. A guru. And she’d been through some serious stuff. So, you take her seriously and listen closely to anything she has to say. That night, as three of us noobs were talking about how marriages take a lot of hard work, our guru said something that will stick with me forever. “At the end of the day, you’re either in or you’re out.” Those simple words put it all into perspective. 

There are going to be months, maybe even years, that your relationship is challenged. There will be equally long stretches of time where your relationship is blissful and moving along like a well-oiled machine. This is life. And like life itself, nothing in it is ever permanent. The bad times aren’t permanent. Neither are the good. So, think about it…are you in or are you out? If you’re “out,” forgive and exit with grace. People and relationships change, as everything does. What was a good fit might no longer be and there’s nothing wrong with discovering that and moving on. If you’re “in” and things aren’t working right now, talk about it, name it, accept it. Work your way through the weeds. You’re both responsible, no matter how much it’s the other person’s fault :) Communication is the key.

Are you IN or are you OUT?

The Good Enough Mother

Mother’s Day is this weekend and the stores are chock full of all those ridiculous, over the top Hallmark Cards with flowers and hummingbirds and sweet-nothings written inside. Maybe I’m pessimistic, but I bet most people don’t believe half the words in the cards they give to their moms. I always go with humor because it feels slightly more authentic. This year is my second Mother’s Day as a mom and I’m choosing to celebrate the idea of the “good enough” mother. From the second you deliver your baby (heck, the second you get knocked up!), there’s a whole lot of pressure to be the mom that the Mother’s Day cards say you are. Maybe it’s self-imposed pressure because you think you should be a certain way, maybe it’s coming from your own mother, or maybe you’ve read too much in US Weekly about Kate Middleton. The media’s portrayal of the Duchess of Cambridge’s motherhood is a fantasy. She’s not even a real Princess, she’s a Duchess! The reality is…Kate is not a Hallmark card mom. Neither am I and neither are you. The other reality…we don’t need to be.

Donald Winnicott was a pediatrician in England and later became a psychoanalyst and consultant who worked a lot with parents and children in the 1950s. He is the father of the term “good-enough mother.” Through his work, Winnicott saw that children were best able to learn and adapt to the external world when their mothers FAILED to meet their every need. When the moms were imperfect, it had a positive effect on the resiliency of the child. Mothers are not good and mothers are not bad. They are somewhere in between. They are human! Thank you, Winnicott! 

We can’t provide everything for our children no matter how hard we try. Let your kids see your mistakes, shortcomings, your angry feelings, your sad feelings. This will give them permission to experience those things, too, in life. You are not only teaching them how to have manners, how to share toys, and how to brush teeth. You are teaching them how to f*ck up and then deal with it by fixing it or living with it if it’s unfixable. You’re showing them how to argue and then repair a relationship (we've all argued with our partners in front of the kids). You’re showing them that a perfect mom, perfect child, perfect teacher are illusory characters only found in magazines and Hallmark cards. I cannot kiss my daughter’s boo-boo away. I’m not a magician. I can’t solve all of her problems, and honestly, I will have probably contributed to some of them as she gets older. But, I can apologize for opening the refrigerator into her head and hurting her by accident. I can help take care of her after my mistake. I can take her to the doctor for the right care. 

So, this Mother’s Day…let’s celebrate the fact that we are good enough. And that that’s really all we need to be. 

For further reading on Winnicott: 

http://changingminds.org/disciplines/psychoanalysis/theorists/winnicott.htm